


Pining in Silence

by pherryt



Series: Star Trek Bingo [14]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Happy Ending, Jealousy, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Pining, Pining, after Beyond, implied future spock/uhura, obliviuos, past Spock/Uhura - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-29 02:58:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18769813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pherryt/pseuds/pherryt
Summary: Leonard had been harboring feelings for Jim for a while now, though he knew better than to hope for anything more. He thought he could handle it... until Spock and Uhura broke up and suddenly jealousy reared it's ugly head...





	Pining in Silence

**Author's Note:**

> For the Jealous McKirk Square as randomly picked out by Captain_haterade :D
> 
> heads up - NOT BETA'd

Despite his inadvisable feelings for Jim, Leonard had never worried about Spock before. After all, Spock and Uhura were together and whatever Spock was feeling – he was sometimes a little hard to read, Leonard had to admit – Nyota definitely felt strongly about their relationship.

And no matter what one could say about Jim’s lover boy ways, he never broke up a couple – at least, not intentionally. There were a few times back at the academy, when Jim had convinced Leonard to head out to the bars, where Jim had hit on someone a little less than truthful about their relationship status, which usually got him into a bit of trouble.

Of course, Leonard had been there to bail him out.

So no, he didn’t worry about Spock coming between what he had with Jim, and he still got to see a side of Jim no one else ever saw, got to spend more time with him than anyone else outside of their mutual shift duties.

That all changed right about the disaster around Jim’s birthday with Krall.

Because somewhere in there, Spock had broken up with Nyota and Leonard found out - at different times – that _both_ his best friends had been planning to leave the ship, to leave  _him_ , without even saying a goddamn word.

Jim eventually came around - as Leonard would have known he would if Jim had bothered mentioning anything to him about it in the first place, something Jim had specifically avoided (Leonard was certain) so that Leonard couldn’t put his two credits in and change Jim’s mind – as the disaster brought into focus the good that Jim did out here.

Which, apparently, everyone but Jim could see. Again, if Leonard had been allowed to speak his mind – and yet, he hadn’t.

As for Spock, well, Spock only came around some time after Leonard had pointed out how much Jim needed Spock, and Leonard couldn’t help but read into that.

What if there were other reasons than those Spock had stated for the break up?

And then Jim started hanging out with Spock more, inviting him along to things that had been just him and Jim for forever. Inviting Spock to sit with them at meals, or to go back to the privacy of their rooms to have a few drinks and the gnawing pit in Leonard’s gut grew, even though Spock always declined invitations to the latter.

The gnawing pit grew, becoming anger, becoming jealousy and despair.

With a healthy dash of guilt tossed right on top.

Because Leonard had no real claim to Jim, and there it was. He had to deal with that, or he could risk losing his friend. So he pushed it down, and grumbled, and jibed with Spock as normal because, after all, Leonard didn’t hate  _Spock_. No, what Leonard hated was that he’d fallen in love with someone who’d never see him the same way.

Most days, it was enough. Most days, he managed. But today had been nine kinds of hell and Leonard’s headspace was rattled and unsettled and deeply unfocused.

There was some sort of infection running through the ship, one of the biobeds had malfunctioned so badly it’d caused  _more_ injuries before Leonard could rescue his patient, and there’d been an accident in engineering so serious that Leonard hadn’t been certain of anything till the surgery was over. And even then, the poor ensign was going to need careful watching.

There was only so much even modern medicine could do.

So he was tired, worn out in just about every way imaginable, and in no mood to police himself and his jealousy around Jim or Spock and when Jim dragged Spock over to sit with Leonard as he picked at his dinner, that was the last straw.

He couldn’t stand to see Jim giving Spock those smiles, or watch Spock respond to them.

Anger welled within him so suddenly he nearly choked on it, anger at Spock, at Jim, at  _himself_ , followed swiftly by a combination of hopelessness, bitterness and despair.

He didn’t notice Spock’s head moving sharply away from Jim’s to land on Leonard, or how still he got as Leonard shoved back at his chair and grabbed his tray.  

If he’d been the least bit hungry before, he’d absolutely lost his fucking appetite now.

The movement did the one thing Leonard wished it hadn’t – it got Jim’s attention – which became immediately apparent before Leonard could even take a single step away from the table.

“Bones?” Jim asked, looking up at Leonard with startled, blinking eyes that held way more concern than Leonard warranted right now, not with how uncharitable he was feeling. “What’s wrong? Where you goin’?”

“Nothin’. It’s just been a long day and I’m tired and I find I ain’t much hungry.” Leonard bit out more bitterly than he’d intended. He turned sharply, quickly. He had to get out of there, now, before he said something he’d regret.

His head was pounding and his gut twisted unpleasantly. If Jim and Spock were getting along – hell,  _more_ than getting along - then why the hell couldn’t he be happy for them?

Dumping his tray, Leonard made good his escape from the rec room and thought swiftly on where the hell he could go and remain undisturbed, because he sure as hell knew Jim and it wouldn’t be long after Leonard returned to his quarters that Jim would be pounding on his door, barging in to make sure Leonard was all right.

And he didn’t think he could handle that just now.

 

 

*+*+***+*+*+*+**+*+*+**++**+**+*+*+*+**+*+

Jim watched Leonard leave, the doctors’ shoulders tightly drawn together, his gait stiff and leaden. He stared at the empty doorway long after he left with a confused look before he finally twisted back to stare at Spock.

“I’m sorry, I need to go after him,” Jim said finally.

“Of course, your T'hy'la is important to you,” Spock said knowingly, his eyes flicking across the rec room to land on Nyota.

“Spock, just talk to her,” Jim said as he stood. He was torn. He’d gone through life before the academy, drifting and mostly friendless. The people around him now, people like Bones and Spock, were _more_ than friends, they were the family he’d never truly had. Family who didn’t compare him to ghosts, people who took him as _him._

And right now, the two people he was closest to were _both_ hurting. How could he help either of them and not the other? His eyes drifted away from Spock to the door Bones had practically slumped through and his heart ached.

“Go, Jim,” Spock said softly. “Do not worry about me. Your concern for my well-being these past few weeks is appreciated, but I think Doctor McCoy needs you more than I.”

Grateful to Spock more than he could say, Jim passed him, patting him lightly on the shoulder as he did. He hurried after Leonard only to find he’d hesitated with indecision too long – some captain, no, some _friend_ , he was – and the corridor was empty.

With a sinking feeling, Jim already knew Bones wouldn’t be in his quarters or his usual haunts.

He checked them anyway. Let it not be said that Jim had left a single stone unturned.

When Jim finally found Bones, it was in the last place anyone would ever look for him – which was why Jim had looked. When he entered the shuttlebay, it was dark and looked deserted. He almost turned away, but then something caught his eye on the far end.

Jim walked along the row of shuttlecrafts, his hand trailing along the nose of each one he passed, till he reached the last one. From the door, in the low lighting of the unmanned bay, Jim ducked his head inside.

Leonard was sitting in the pilot’s seat – not like a normal person, no. He was curled sideways in the chair - the opposite of his normal long-limbed sprawl - his head bowed against his knees, one hand knotted in his hair, the other clutching at his stomach.

Leaning hard on the doorframe, clutching it to stay upright, Jim stared at Bones in horror. His best friend was the epitome of suffering – and Jim hadn’t, hand’t what? Noticed? Till just now? What the hell was wrong with him?

More importantly, what was wrong with Bones? And was there any way he could help?

Taking a deep breath that Leonard somehow didn’t hear, Jim stepped into the shuttlecraft, the door hissing shut behind him.

Leonard’s head shot up at that, as he twisted in his seat to take in whoever had invaded his privacy. His eyes looked red and they flashed with a lot of things Jim hadn’t seen since the first year at the academy.

“What are you doing here?” Leonard asked gruffly.

Spreading his hands out, Jim approached Leonard like he was approaching a wild animal. A fairly apt description, considering how wild Leonard looked right now, his eyes darting beyond Jim towards the now closed door.

“Hey. You’re my best friend, Bones. I wanted to make sure you were all right. Heard you had a pretty rough day,” Jim said.

“I’m fine,” he groused, whatever he was calculating in his head seemed to come out behind and he just slumped back into the chair, swiveling it around as Jim dropped himself into the other seat.

“Sure, you look like a wreck, you’re irritable – “

“I’m always irritable,” Bones pointed out

“Yeah, sure, but not like this. There are different levels on the Bones Irritability chart and you just knocked them all away. Somethings wrong. You can talk to me,” Jim said.

“Like hell,” Leonard snorted, his head jerking side to side.

“Gee, I love you too, Bones,” Jim said sarcastically.

Leonard flinched and refused to meet his eyes and Jim’s breath caught. “Wait…” he said slowly.

Shoving up from the seat, Leonard stumbled a step away, then two, saying, “I have to go.”

Jim surged upwards, blocking Leonard’s way, his own eyes wide with his realization. How had it taken so long for him to _see_ this? “Go where? You’re not going to do me the common courtesy of even _talking_ about this?”

“What the hell is there to talk about?” Leonard growled. “How I’m a selfish, jealous jackass? How my own needs and wants have far outstripped the realities of our friendship? How I’m literally just… _getting in the way?”_

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, _what?_ ” Jim blinked, jerking his head slightly as he tried to make sense of Leonard’s words. “That was sure a lot of vitriol there, Bones. You think that lowly of yourself?”

“It’s called being realistic. You should try it sometime. Now get outta my way, kid,” Leonard said.

“No, I don’t think so. Not until you and I sit down and _talk.”_

Leonard sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. He suddenly looked a thousand times more tired than usual.

He also looked lost as he stumbled back and fell into his seat.

“Jim,” he said, his voice more defeated then Jim could ever recall hearing it. “There’s nothing to talk about. Nothing’s gotta change.”

“And I think there is, and how could things _not_ change after this. Bones…” Jim shook his head. “How did I not see this before?”

Leonard signed again. “You got a lot of things on your mind, Jimmy boy. Some unrequited feelings gotta rank pretty low on the list of captainly things you gotta keep a handle on.”

“Well, now, see, that’s where I think you’re wrong,” Jim said firmly, staring at Leonard, but Bones wouldn’t meet his eyes. He continued, more softly, wanting to reach out and touch Leonard more than anything, but Leonard was too skittish for that just now. “They’re not unrequited, okay?”

Head shooting up, Leonard’s eyes met his for the first time since… since Jim had found him here, he realized. “In a pig’s eye!”

Jim startled back into his seat. That… was not quite the reaction he’d expected, and he hurt just a bit. His mouth opened, worked to say _something_ and for a wonder – Jim Kirk at a loss for words???? – didn’t. Leonard’s face shifted, his mouth formed soundlessly around an ‘ _oh_ ’ and his eyes softened.

“Oh, Jim…” Leonard’s drawl was soft and full of feeling when he finally could do what Jim couldn’t – speak, and fill the thickening silence. “I’m sorry, darling. I didn’t mean to – I was so caught up in my own self-pity, I didn’t think…”

Leonard slid off his seat bonelessly, hitting his knees on the deck plating with such a thudding sound that Jim winced to hear it. Leonard’s hand was tentatively reaching out for him – _tentatively! Bones_! Two words Jim would never have put together in his lifetime – and Jim’s breath caught at the gentle touch to his cheek, not quite a caress, just sitting there, waiting for Jim to react.

So he did.

He closed his eyes and leaned into Leonard’s soft touch with a sigh, telling him without words that it’s _okay._ Leonard’s fingers convulsed slightly, tightening as he let out his own shaky breath.

“I’m sorry I’ve been such an oblivious idiot,” Jim said, opening his eyes and reaching up to cover Leonard’s hand with his own. “I’m sorry you were hurting. That _I’ve_ hurt you. I never would have –“

“I know, Jim,” Leonard shushed. He fell forward till his forehead touched Jim’s and Jim had to close his eyes or go cross-eyed, but that had the added benefit of just enjoying Leonard being in his space.

The silence had changed, no longer filled with a thick, awkward tension. Not even something expectant hanging over them, but a soothing, comforting warmth – the kind Jim had only ever really gotten from Leonard. He’d been in love with Bones for… hell, Jim wasn’t sure, but he _was_ relatively certain it was longer than he’d realized, never having a true basis for comparison. What was the difference between friends, family, close friends, and lovers – not one-night stands or (barely) friends with benefits, but true, actual, in love with each other lovers? He hadn’t known that, before Leonard, before the Enterprise, before actually forming his own circle of friends and family.

He didn’t want to let any of them down but the thought of letting _Leonard_ down was Jim’s worst fear.

“I’m sorry – “ he started to say again. He wanted to explain everything to Leonard, literally _everything_ but Leonard shook his head, the motion strange to experience as they were.

“No, Jim, you don’t have to,” Leonard said. He pulled away and Jim’s hand spasmed to pull him back, pull him in close as he was suddenly dying to feel Leonard in a way he never knew he needed. Leonard looked at him sympathetically, _understandingly,_ and Jim blushed as Bones spoke, “Don’t worry, I ain’t leaving, but this deck is killing my knees.”

He settled back down in the seat from before, but he sat at the very edge of it, their knees knocking together, his hands extended to take Jim’s in his. Leonard was looking down at their joined hands, Jim’s stomach fluttering those strange butterflies he only ever got around Leonard, and his thumbs tracing over the backs of Jim’s hands.

“Anyways, I think it’s me who ought to apologize to you,” Leonard said.

“What? Why would you even think that?” Jim blinked at Bones.

“For not seeing you were in pain too, darling, and for,” he quirked a wry grin. “for being jealous of Spock, of all people.”

Jim gaped at him, choking off a laugh. “Spock? Bones, that man is pining so hard for Uhura, I’m surprised the whole ship isn’t affected.”

Leonard shook his head. “I was in a bad way, and you know how it is, you just don’t think clearly when you’re sure things are hopeless.”

“Well, you know me, I don’t believe in the no win scenario,” Jim said.

“Is that so?” Leonard’s voice cracked. “Then why…” he shook his head. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Bones…” Jim tugged at his hands, pulled himself closer to the edge of his own seat, his legs bumping to bracket either side of one of Leonard’s as he did. “I didn’t give up on us before I even tried. I was… still working out what I wanted to do. That I even _wanted_ to do…that I wanted _us_ to be…” he floundered and Bones laughed.

“Now where’s that glib tongue of yours?” his eyes were sparkling, but Jim could see a hovering wetness threatening to spill. He knew how that felt, how he _was_ feeling – a little vulnerable, bare for Leonard to see.

“I didn’t _know,_ bones,” Jim said, squeezing Leonard’s hands desperately. “I just didn’t… this feeling I have for you is, it’s unlike anything I’ve ever had. I didn’t _understand_ it, or, or why I was only feeling it around you. That’s the only reason I took so goddamn long to figure this out.”

Leonard laughed again, a soft, wet chuckle and his hands squeezed back. “It’s all right, Jim. Guess for all that you are a genius, there had to be something you were a little slow on.”

“I’m sorry for being so dense that I didn’t figure it out till recently, or see how much pain you were in. I’m sorry for how much me taking so long was _hurting_ you. You’ve gotta know, Bones, that that’s the last thing I ever want to do,” Jim pushed, needed Leonard to _know_ , but to lay his soul so bare was something very foreign to Jim.

“No apologies necessary, darling, unless it comes with a kiss,” Leonard drawled.

“Well, I think I can manage that,” Jim said, smiling at Leonard crookedly, relief flooding through him.

“And then afterwards, you and I are going to talk and figure out how to get those two love sick kids back together again,” Leonard said, leaning in closer.

Jim fell forward, his head hitting Leonard’s shoulder as he shook with laughter. “Jesus, you really _were_ jealous of him!”

Leonard punched his shoulder lightly and Jim looked up to see a frown on his face, though it ticked at the corners like he was hiding a smile. “You’re such an ass.”

Jim sobered and stared at Leonard. “But you love me…” he said in awe. He still couldn’t believe it as he stared at Leonard, their eye boring into each other. Then his lips twisted up and he pulled a hand away from Leonard’s grip to stroke over his cheek with a grin. “So, I’m _your_ ass.”

“Shut up and kiss me already,” Leonard grumped.

“Anything you want, Bones,” Jim whispered.

“Then call me, Leonard, you –" Leonard’s voice cut off with a light, satisfying to hear moan when Jim closed the distance and finally did what Leonard had asked, what Jim had _wanted_ to do for so long now, despite not realizing it till all too recently.

He kissed him, and it was like coming home.


End file.
